When I got into art school, I was sure there'd been a huge mistake.
Nothing could have convinced me that my own skills were enough to get me in. Maybe they felt sorry for me. Or maybe they didn't have that many applicants so I got lucky.⠀
Do you ever find yourself looking for proof that you're not worthy?⠀
For a long time, I would take pretty much every single thing that happened to me and treat it as confirmation of all the bad things I thought about myself. Guy I like never texts me back? I must be absolutely worthless, ugly and boring. Did poorly on a test or exam? I'm stupid, I'll never be good enough.⠀
When I got to art school, it took me almost 3 out of 4 years to start feeling like I was in the right place. The summer before my final year, I discovered abstract painting and illustration, and I went back to school in September feeling super confident that this was going to be the year that I did art for me, how I wanted to do it.⠀
In spite of feeling that abstract painting was a place for nonjudgmental self expression, I was constantly judging myself. I still deal with this now. But there are so many things that I love about the way that I paint, and the ups and downs of the process will hopefully even out as I continue to work on my self esteem and separate my worth from the art that I make.⠀
Here are my top 5 favourite things about abstract painting:⠀
1. Since I never have a plan, I never know what I could end up with. The possibilities are endless.
2. My most exciting work happens when I make moves without fear. ⠀
3. I can paint on top of the same canvas as many times as I want. I can cover it all up or I can collaborate with the painting that's already there.⠀
4. Every painting has multiple lives underneath the final layer. It's like tree rings and it's like the way we as humans grow - every experience we have, everything that happens informs how we develop. There's so much history.⠀
5. When you see a painting that resonates with you in some significant way, you will KNOW it in your heart and there's no denying that connection.⠀
Does any of this speak to you? Let's chat about imposter syndrome and using creative expression to overcome it!⠀