I'm sitting in a coffee shop trying to focus on the book I'm reading, but instead I find myself thinking about my double chin.
If I didn't have a scar from when I was 6 years old, not ready to leave the playground, would my neck still bulge the way it does whenever I smile or forget to think about how I'm holding my head? Are there things I could do to remove this imperfection? If I lost weight would it go away?
It's at this moment that my other internal voice joins the conversation. It says NO, we are not going to spend our time worrying about how we look. No, we are not going to be hyper aware of the way we hold our body, sucking in our stomach, constantly thinking about how we appear, how we are being perceived. We did that for a long time. It's still a process, letting go.
It brings me back to conversations I've been having lately, about how we choose to live our lives, the things we value. We all know that our time here is temporary, and yet so many seem to focus on what legacy they will leave behind when they're gone.
I've always struggled with meeting seemingly basic expectations. I'm anxious in crowds, I need something to do with my hands, I'd rather be at home with my cats.
I'm not ambitious enough, not social enough to work a full-time job with regular hours without feeling completely drained. I have felt like a failure for my inability to be what society expects of me.
Why should I worry about rocking a sinking boat?
I chose a different path... and truthfully, I'm still very much finding myself and figuring out what I want to do next.
Awhile ago I asked people on Instagram, do you feel like you have it all figured out? The vast majority said no.
While a couple of people did say yes, one of my art friends (@vivi_doodles) put it into perspective: "Maybe currently they have life figured out. But I think life is very ebb and flow, the only constant is change. You gotta keep adapting to it in order to keep going."
I always say that I never want to get to a point in my life where I think I'm too old to change or learn new things, new perspectives and ways of thinking.
Lately, a few people have asked what I'm doing now, always with a focus on career. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm trying to enrich my mind. I'm spending time with people and animals I love. I'm feeling so grateful to have the freedom I do to still be figuring things out at 31. I'm open to new opportunities. I send out job applications and art submissions, then forget about them and keep going.
I'm going on long walks. I'm trying to get back into reading. I'm writing for pleasure and sharing that with you. I do not have the answers. I am checking in with my inner voice and intuition and letting that guide me.
A digital illustration I made in 2021.
Do you have your future figured out? Are you open to those plans changing?
xo Hannah
Comments